I feel that God has been preparing me for this. Yes, Monday night I got the rug pulled out from under me, but before that I had a sense that Ella's life was so fragile. It feels a bit wrong admitting this outloud, like acknowledging it is going to jinks us some how, but I feel more at peace now than I have in previous months. So, if I held to the delusion that my thoughts dictated outcome-then my thoughts would bring us to good places.
A few months back I had a horrible dream, vivid, waking me, remembering all the details. I dreamt that Ella was hit by a car when walking across the street. In my dream I was in a second floor window when I looked out on the street and saw her before she crossed the road. I can see the street vividly in my mind, and believe me, whenever I'm somewhere new I peak out the second floor window to make sure it's not the street of my dream. When I got up in the morning I poured my heart out to God. I, through many tears, had to give up my illusion of being in control of Ella's life. I can not be with her always, I can not protect her from all things, but He knows her innermost being and her future. In my mind I picked her up and placed her in his hands, "she is yours God." I knew God was working out control issues in my life but I couldn't fathom how badly I needed those issues to be worked out before the word cancer was uttered. So many times in the last few days, especially the monday night drive to Seattle, being able to pray "she is yours God, I have no control, but YOU do!" brought me great peace.
As well as knowing that for much of this summer I have been desperately been praying against any danger to my daughter, without even realizing it was already inside her. And then 2 weeks ago out of no where she burst into tears "I just don't want to die, ever, I just don't want to!" I don't know where the fear came from, but I just held her and tried to explain she wasn't going to for a long long time and we prayed for her to see her grandchildren. I remember praying to myself as I held her that if there was anything going on with her it would be revealed to us. It has been, the tumor was found before spreading. I have confidence that my baby girl is going to live a mighty life bearing witness to the mercy of our maker.
5 comments:
Wow. Thank you for sharing that.
Incredible testimony. Even when the facts are still hard to understand, looking back is easier when you can see how the Lord prepared your heart.
So beautiful! Good job Mommy and what an amazing little girl you have!!!!
Wow, you are incredible (you all are). It is amazing how intuitive and connected you have been surrounding this whole ordeal. A true blessing, really. We will be continung our pray and I know the Lord hear's all of our prayers, most definitely he bends closer when whispered (or cried out) from the heart of a parent for a child. God bless you and may the Lord's peace remain and continue to envelope you as you move forward through treatments and healing.
Thanks for this beautiful testimony. I see Jesus in you guys as you walk through this difficult time. Praying for you regularly. Love, K&B
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