6 months ago we brought Mekdes home and began life with our complete family.
"Mekdes, it's been 6 months since you've been living with us"
M- "No! It's been 20 hundred years! It's been long long time!"
It does feel like it's been a long time, and the reality that it's only been 6 months makes me feel encouraged at how far we've come and how much further we will be in terms of attachment and affection in another 6 months.
So let me reflect some on the past 6 months, where we were, where we are now, and some moments that stand out to me:
During bedtime prayers she'd pray "Thank you God (for) Sund family" then one day it changed to "Thank you God (for) mommy, daddy" and yes, I shed some tears.
The day Greg came home and told me I looked tired. I told him I was a human jungle gym that day, Mekdes had been climbing all over me, in my lap cuddling all day, kissing all over my face all day, tickling me and wanting tickles all day, and then we just had to smile at the realization that that is where we were, that my biggest issue was that Mekdes was too affectionate. (albeit at an energy level that was exhausting)
The afternoon during the 1st month when Mekdes found some candy and asked to have it, I told her she couldn't. A bit later I put a TV show on for her and went upstairs to shower. When I came back down stairs the first thing that I noticed was the candy on the counter, I'd forgotten to put it away. I then realized that she hadn't touched it. It was one of those moments in a really hard month when I was grounded in the reality that her character is that of a very good little girl and the behavior is her reacting, better than I would, to a very difficult life change. She is not manipulative or sneaky, she has always been very kind and nurturing to Biniyam, she's never been physically violent or destructive, she can be trusted, she is smart, she lets us know how she's feeling (which I truly do appreciate) and we are privileged to be her parents.
I remember when Mekdes would hang on the door knob trying to get out, she did not want to be in our house and had no interest in playing with anything in it. She'd say "this not my home, this Ella home, my home Etopia" Then on a September Saturday there was this question "Mommy, can we just stay home all day, don't have to go anywhere, can we just play at home today?" I love that our home, her home, is now her comfort zone.
At bedtime she'd say "I want to go Etopia" over and over. I'd try to be empathetic and tell her that I hoped one day we could all go back together, then one night during this conversation with a little soft voice she asked "can I stay here?"
She used to look at EVERYTHING given to her and Ella and say "Ella('s) Big" "Mekdes(') Small" Even identical empty plates & forks placed in front of them. She assumed that whatever Ella was given was better. It really was difficult! I'd look in her eyes and tell her "mommy gives you good things."
I started putting the food already served on plates in the middle of the table and letting her choose hers first (thankfully Ella didn't care because she knew they were the same) then at some point she started saying "It's okay" and taking whatever was given to her but her eyes still darted to Ella's to compare. Now, I don't see her look at Ella's plate, bike, car seat, pencil etc. and assume it's better. It's a non issue now and it really was a huge, exhausting issue for the first few months!
Recently Mekdes asked me "why no baby in belly?" and I was trying to explain to her that she was my new baby and Ella piped up "She doesn't understand that I grew in your belly". So I explained to Mekdes that Ella grew in my uterus and Mekdes seemed utterly shocked, "Really? Ella? hu?" And then she asked about another baby in my belly to which I had no opportunity to answer because Ella cried out "No! I can't take any more! 2 siblings are enough!"
She used to get jealous of Ella knowing things that she didn't know - like hopscotch- and react by saying mean things to Ella (like "Ella bad") (which actually gave us a great opportunity to reiterate with Ella where her identity is (in Christ) ) now Mekdes embraces Ella as an older sister who can teach her things. I love hearing Mekdes bring books to Ella and ask "will you read this to me" or ask Ella to explain things to her.
She woke up crying every morning for about the first 3 months, She'd run to our bed and snuggle for an hour or so, poor girl. I don't think she was crying because of a bad dream, but because when she woke up she realized what was happening to her wasn't just a dream.
One night we had such a hard bedtime because Ella had asked for cuddles and I had said yes. Mekdes took this it as rejection or maybe thought I wouldn't cuddle her too. Then a few months later, when Ella said she needed cuddles, Mekdes came and whispered in my ear with excitement that all 3 of us could cuddle together in her bed that night.
Mekdes used to yell at us when we got on the highway and we thought she was afraid of going fast, until one day she was able to say "no fast! head spin spin!" and we realized she was getting car sick. We got her some
sea bands which took care of the problem and also showed her that we can take care of her.
The day, after being here 2 months, that we realized she didn't think we were in America, she said "No, no America (waved her hand around her) ugly Etiopia" it took some convincing to get her to realize this is America. We're pretty sure she'd been fed some tall tales about what America would be like ( i.e. living in Disney World) and we were falling short.
The night the kids and Greg were having a dance party and she called for me, I came down picked her up and started to dance. She put her head on my shoulder and cried, I sat and rocked our grieving little girl until she fell asleep in my arms. Greg told me that right before calling for me she'd been looking at a picture of her friends at the orphanage. Oh how my heart breaks for all her loss!
Mekdes' relationship with Greg took a huge leap forward on the 4th of July. We went to Greg's parents and Greg and Mekdes played badminton together for a long time, their relationship continued to grow and now she is an adoring daughter.
In 6 months she has gone from speaking very little english to reading! She has known all her letter sounds since this summer, but this week she has started putting them together and reading words! I'm amazed. I think she's one smart cookie (to which she tells me "I'm not a cookie!")
She has gorgeous hair, it's the #1 thing strangers mention about her. She has the ringlet curls that I tried so hard to get in high school and never could. I don't know if it was a lack of trust or a control issue, but when we first came home she didn't want me to touch her hair. I had to stand firm on that I was at least going to give her hair the basic care it needed to be healthy, but she wouldn't let me style it at all. She's wear headbands or scarfs which usually ended up off and messy by mid day. Then she let me do ponytails/puffs and now, just last week, she's started to let me braid it. I have a lot to learn but I'm excited to try new styles!
We have conversations each night with one of her stuffed animals. We pick it up and say something like "Hi bear, do you know that mommy and daddy love Mekdes so, so much?" and the
bear says "yes, yes, yes"
Me -" Do you know that mommy and daddy love Mekdes when she has a bad attitude"
Bear-"Yes, mommy and daddy always love Mekdes"
Me- "Do you know that mommy and daddy love Mekdes when she has a good attitude"
Bear- "Yes, mommy and daddy always love Mekdes"
Me- " Do you know mommy and daddy love Mekdes when she has trouble listening?"
Bear- "Yes, mommy and daddy always have love for Mekdes"
and the conversation goes on like that, sometimes short, sometimes long, the big point being that nothing she can do will make us not love her, we love her because she is ours.
Then we cover the bear with kisses, the bear covers her with kisses, we then tell the bear that it's our turn and we cover Mekdes with kisses. She loves this!
She's started taking a turn having conversations with the bear. My favorite was "Do you know Mekdes loves mommy even when she makes food not so yummy"
One morning this summer Mekdes leaned over and tickled Ella. Ella didn't want to be tickled so moved away from Mekdes' hand. Mekdes saw this as total rejection and it took her a good 40 min. to get her out of the slump that it had put her in. She couldn't separate Ella not wanting tickles from Ella not wanting her. I was thinking about this last month when we went away for a few night (very successful for Mekdes) and Ella and a friend ran in the bedroom and asked Mekdes to play "If you wait for me" she answered, but off they ran. So she very contently stayed cuddled up with me until they returned. "We thought you were coming to play?" they asked, she answered "I say, 'if you wait for me'" so they waited and off she went to play. She was appropriate and confident in that interaction.
6 months ago we ripped the scaffolding out from under her and watched her struggle as she had nothing solid on which to find her footing. Now I see her standing on the framework of a solid new foundation, in 6 more months I hope we'll have some base flooring down, in another year or so maybe some hardwoods and after that some carpet where she feels cozy and secure enough to relax. I wish I could rush the process but I know it's only with time, love, and consistency that we'll get there, but I am confident,
we will get there!
